Adult Jokes

Jack the Ripper

2004-08-31T13:22:00.000Z

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? - Getting fingered by captain hook!!

Jack and Jill

2004-08-30T13:21:00.000Z

Jack and Jill Went up the hill, to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and dropped his fly, and said, "Jill, do you wanna?" Jill said yes and lifted her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son!

Incest

2004-08-29T13:19:00.000Z

Incest... A game the whole family can play.

Is it so bad?

2004-08-28T13:20:00.000Z

What's so bad about being a dick? - Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you vomit.

If you cross a penis and a potato?

2004-08-27T13:19:00.000Z

What do you get if you cross a penis and a potato? - A dictator.

How do Chinese say 69er?

2004-08-26T13:18:00.000Z

How do Chinese say, "69er?" - Tu-can-chu.

Grit in a condom

2004-08-25T13:18:00.000Z

What do you call grit in a condom? - An organ grinder!

Greatest Lies

2004-08-24T13:17:00.000Z

What are the two greatest lies? "The cheque is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

Good Driving

2004-08-23T13:15:00.000Z

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that son of a bitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, 'Damn that son of a bitch can drive', then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "My friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... 'Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!'"

He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

Gay Lunch

2004-08-22T13:14:00.000Z

Two gay guys are sharing an apartment. One gay guy is sitting on the couch jerking off in a brown paper bag. His partner walks into the room ready to go to work and asks what the hell are you doing?! The other guy replies, "I'm Packing Your Lunch!!!"

Gay Husband

2004-08-21T13:14:00.000Z

What does a wife do when she finds out her husbands gay? She turns around and takes it like a man.

Foreplay

2004-08-20T13:13:00.000Z

Why don't women blink during foreplay? - They don't have time.

Flasher who was thinking of retiring

2004-08-19T13:12:00.000Z

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? - He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Energizer Bunny

2004-08-18T13:11:00.000Z

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? - He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Entered his dog at Crufts

2004-08-17T13:12:00.000Z

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? - He got 16 months.

Electric Trains

2004-08-16T13:10:00.000Z

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? - They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Drunken woman in a pub

2004-08-15T13:09:00.000Z

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because... because I've got heartburn."

The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, "

You have your left tit in the Ashtray!"

Erotic and Kinky

2004-08-14T13:07:00.000Z

What's the difference between erotic and kinky? - Erotic is when you use a feather, Kinky is when you use the whole chicken

Paycheck and a Penis?

2004-08-13T13:00:00.000Z

What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis? - You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you.

Prostitute on Crack

2004-08-12T12:57:00.000Z

What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? - A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Condom flight

2004-08-11T12:51:00.000Z

Why did the condom fly across the room? - Because it got p*ssed off.

Sticky Pants

2004-08-10T12:55:00.000Z

Three guys walk into a local drugstore and walk to the cash register.

The first guy says, "Im 36 and I need to buy some condoms!" the lady at the cash register ask's what size he was. He replied he didnt know, so she pulled him to the side and stuck her hand down his pants, went to the mike and said extra large condoms to the cash register.

The next guy was 26 and asked the young lady the same thing, she pulls him over to the side and puts her hands down his pants goes to the mike and said large condoms to the cash register please.

The next man was 16 and asked the same question, she pulls him to the side, sticks her hands down his pants and went to the mike and said clean up at the cash register!

A Chicken Cums

2004-08-09T12:50:00.000Z

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking a little ticked. After a moment, the egg turns to the chicken and mutters, 'Well, I guess we finally answered that question.'

Icing off the Cake

2004-08-08T12:48:00.000Z

One night this little girl and her mother were going for a walk in the park and the little girl seen two teenagers having sex underneath a tree and the little girl asked her mother what they were doing and she said "um there making cakes".

So the next day they went to the zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex and she asked her mother what are they doing and she told her "well there making cakes".

So the next day the little girl tells her mother that she saw her and her daddy making cakes last night and the mother said oh really and the little girl said "yeah I licked the icing off the sofa last night.

No blowjob

2004-08-07T12:47:00.000Z

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? - Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Boiled Egg

2004-08-06T12:46:00.000Z

What did the egg say to the boiling water? - "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Best thing about a blowjob?

2004-08-05T12:45:00.000Z

What's the best thing about a blowjob? - 10 minutes of peace and quiet.

Banana vibrator

2004-08-04T12:44:00.000Z

What did the banana say to the vibrator? - "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"

American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat

2004-08-03T12:43:00.000Z

What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? - They are both f*cking close to water!

Air and sex

2004-08-02T12:26:00.000Z

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

1 Million Sperm

2004-08-01T12:10:00.000Z

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg? - They don't stop to ask for directions.

Sadism, Beastiality and Necrophilia

2004-07-10T14:05:00.000Z

Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Beastiality and Necrophilia?

He gave it up. It was beating a dead horse.

Rubick's Cubes

2004-07-09T14:04:00.000Z

What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury

2004-07-08T14:04:00.000Z

What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?

They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen!

Rabbit with a bent dick

2004-07-07T14:03:00.000Z

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? - Fucks funny!

Penis Requests a Raise

2004-07-06T14:02:00.000Z

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

No Arms & No Legs

2004-07-04T14:00:00.000Z

A man went to a brothel. He had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed "I rang the door bell didn't I?".

Long & Hard

2004-07-03T14:00:00.000Z

What's long, hard, and has semen in it? - A submarine!

Little boy

2004-07-02T13:59:00.000Z

A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interlude and asks if he can hop on his daddy's back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father's ear, "Hold on tight, daddy, this is usually where me and the postman get bucked off."

Leprosy

2004-07-01T13:58:00.000Z

This male prostitute contracted leprosy. He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.